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August 18, 2005

Iraq: the alternative ending

Between them, the Medium Lobster and Giblets seem to have Iraq licked. First, says the ML, classify the war:

Given the number of riots, the amount of violence, and the attacks by insurgents that appear to have erupted since the dawn of the war, it’s clear that something has to be done to stop news of the conflict from getting out to crazed terrorists, who, becoming so excitable about the prospect of American torture, might well become livid if they learned of the US’s involvement in preventively invading a muslim country and killing thousands there in a massively botched occupation. Indeed, in retrospect it was a mistake to have been so public about the war to begin with. Perhaps the Pentagon could have let a couple bombers and tanks into the country at night periodically to bomb a palace or shell a neighborhood. If anyone noticed a few demolished buildings, or a few thousand dead people, one could always blame it on a some bad apples, sort of fraternity air raid hijinks.
In any case, what’s done is done. The Medium Lobster recommends in the strongest possible terms that no mention be made ever again of the war, its disastrous progress, its inept and incompetent leadership, or the mystifying reasons for which it was launched, ever again - for the sake of national security.

Second, argues Giblets, send in 100,000 more troops. Imaginary troops, that is:

Pretend troops are just what we need to fight for a pretend cause! Only Giblets’s imaginary army will finally manage to locate Saddam’s hidden stash of nukes buried deep within Fairyland! Only Giblets’s fictional fighting men can spread democracy by discovering the long-lost Fountain of Freedom under Baghdad, whose magical waters turn everyone who drinks them into a fully-functioning republic! Only Giblets’s dream draftees can end terror forever by assassinating the boogeyman! Everyone join hands and believe - or you stab our glorious playtime in the back! Onward, make-believe soldiers!

Given that Bush is already living in an alternative reality down at his Crawford ranch mansion, none of this should be too hard to arrange.

Posted by Stephen at 4:44 PM in War | Permalink | TrackBack (0)

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