March 7, 2006
Design by committee
Dateline 2010, and creationism has evolved:
The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by “a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting”, according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions.
The study, entitled “Universe: Made By Whom How?”, was commissioned by an interfaith consortium of world religious leaders seeking to develop a comprehensive scientific foundation for various fundamentally compatible theories of creation, theories that until recently had been little more than matters of faith with no objective scientific underpinning. The Universe Made By Whom How data was intended by its sponsors to be a “Mother of All Bombs” in the ongoing war on evolution, according to Dr. Frick.
“Several major western religions proceed from the assumption that the universe and all it contains were created by some form of very powerful conscious entity who had both a purpose and a plan of some kind in mind,” Dr. Pootle said. “That assumption formed the starting-point of our scientific inquiry. However, as so often happens when you scientifically attempt to prove a theory you assume without objective justification to be fact, the data failed to work in our favor. We were forced to rethink our whole hypothesis. Drawing-board time.”
… “Biodiversity is the primary stumbling block,” said Dr. Pootle. “Whoever created this cacophony of species would have had to be infinitely powerful and infinitely creative, but also infinitely schizophrenic to come up with the myriad different solutions to identical problems that the creators of the universe have. Either that, or we’re looking at a different kind of process altogether.”
The Pootle and Frick study found that for any particular biological niche, a vast number of different approaches are taken by different species for solving nearly identical issues of survival. They also found that species are never static, but are constantly “being tweaked” in small but easily verifiable ways.
“If you’re one guy designing a universe, why come up with twenty different ways of tackling the same issue?” Pootle said. “If you’re omnipotent, presumably you know perfectly well whatever the one solution is that will work best, and you go with that. The fact that the world obviously doesn’t work that way is what led us first to the committee theory. The plants and animals that inhabit the Earth show the kinds of random and incoherent thinking that can only otherwise be found in the products of design committees where there’s a lot of CYA and turf protection going on.”
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